The Truth About Porn and Fantasy

A friend recently sent me a “TEDx Talks” link in which a gentleman by the name of Ran Gavrieli was speaking about why he stopped watching porn (see here, I recommend it).  I found his initial reasons extremely telling particularly when he labeled the porn industry “filmed prostitution” because we are paying for a sexual act to happen.  More importantly Ran makes the point that no one usually wants to grow up to be a prostitute or a porn star, but it most often happens out of desperation to a related distress which then becomes exploited.  

It does not, however, stop there. He points out that because the porn industry only makes money when they can produce what arouses their audience, now we also have a long list of fantasy genres to pick from, from every unusual fetish to sexual torture and violence (e.g. rape-porn).  Though he goes on to further explain the unhealthy sexuality happening within these industries, this alone should not set well with us.

The point I would like to contribute to this is the reality of our own fantasy life and its affect on shaping our sexuality and influencing this industry.  These films are a result of what has already occurred (or occurs) in our imaginations.  To make certain our sexuality and desire for sex is not a bad thing; it is a good thing and a biological one.  This is something many unprepared parents have tried to stifle and make taboo, but the truth is none of us would be here without it and at our healthiest we are procreating and relational creatures (which means we also do it as the one of the most intimate forms of bonding).

The problem that led to the porn, I surmise, began back when the “stimuli" began occurring in attraction toward another person.  This moment in and of itself was not bad, but rather the moment we began to engage with the imaginative fantasy that offered the proportionate potential for good as it had for bad.  What most often tends to occur is that thoughts of healthy sexual relations become a one-sided venture.  When the physical person is removed from our sexual act the only one to be aroused and satisfied is ourselves.  As this occurs the other person ceases to be an actual person and becomes a tool for our pleasure. Suddenly what was a human-subject becomes an impersonal-object.  They no longer are real people who have problems with some sexual acts, nor do they have any attributes that could be a potential turnoff. 

The tendency then is to say, "well it is only in our heads and not real so what is the problem?"   The problem is our cognition is a very complex thing and we have a unique way of using  imagination and practice to create internal patterns. What might seem like "innocent" sexual fantasies (that pleasure only us) can and does transfer to our behavior. Without our knowing it the repeated process of “getting it” our way forms how we view and what we expect from our sexual partner. 
But, a healthy sexual relationship is a developed two-way road which is occasioned by needs and inconveniences: one or the other not being in the mood, or needing to feel desired in other ways, or listened to, or actually be respected as an equal before being able to connect on any sexual level. So, the man or woman who has needs, problems, boundaries, and possibly gastrointestinal issues is not the person of our fantasies, but is the real thing.  When we embrace that counterfeit the result then is a supply and demand platform for things like the porn industry, prostitution, and human trafficking as a way to force an extremely distorted reality that fulfills our disconnected fantasy.